A is for Awpheesh (as in Office). This is where the average Kolkakattan goes
and spends a day hard at work. And if he works for the ‘West Bengal
Gawrment’ he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea break
at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30,break for lunch at 1, smoke an
unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and
go home at 4:30. It’s a hard life!

B is for Bhishon. For some reason many Bengalis don’t have good bhishan. In
fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time.

C is for Chappell. Currently, this is the Bengali word for the Devil, for
the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep
saying,
‘Na ghumaley Chappell eshey dhorey niye jabe.’

D is for Debashish or any other name starting with Deb. By an ancient law
every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a
Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb,
Debu, Deba with variations like Debanik, Deboprotim, Debojyoti, etc. thrown
in at times.

E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by
Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a
Bengali, especially Bengali women, use eeesh 10,089 times every year. ‘Ei
Morechhey’ is a close second to Eeesh.

F is for Feeesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a
favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish market has
such
strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right. If
not
he will say ‘eeesh what feeesh is theesh!’

G is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a good name like Debashish
or Deboprotim and a pet name like Motka, Bhombol, Thobla, etc. While every
Bengali girl will have pet names like Tia, Tuktuki, Mishti, Khuku, etc.

H is for Harmonium. This the Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four
Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles!

I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any
ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola.
It

is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an
amazing number of things in. Even as you read this there are 2 million
jholas bobbing around Kolkata- and they all look exactly the same! Note
that

‘Jhol’ as in Maachher Jhol is a close second

K is for Kee Kaando !. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation till
eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando’s agent is trying
to

hire Bipasha Basu).

L is for Lungi – the dress for all occasions. People in Kolkata manage to
play football and cricket wearing it not to mention the daily trip in the
morning to the local bajaar. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt.
Everest.

M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would
effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of all James Bond stuntmen
as
well as Formula 1 race car drivers.

N is for Nangto. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most
interesting naked word in any language!

O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure
anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough
(oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)

P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkattan.
Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there
are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.

Q is for Queen Eli-jaa beth.

R is for Robi Thakur. Many nany years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize.
This has given the right to all Bengalis no matter where they are to frame
their acceptance speeches as if they were directly related to the great
poet
and walk with their head held high. This also gives Bengalis the birthright
to look down at Delhi and Mumbai and of course ‘all non-Bengawlees’! Note
that ‘Rawshogolla’ comes a close second !

S is for Shourav. Now that they finally produced a genuine cricketer and a
captain, Bengalis think that he should be allowed to play until he is 70
years old. Of course they will see to it that he stays in good form by
doing

a little bit of ‘joggo’ and ‘maanot’.

T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of
course if you are in a hurry it’s faster to walk.

U is for Aambrela. When a Bengali baby is born he is handed one.

V is for Bhaayolence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people
around. When an accident happens they will fold up their sleeves, shout and
scream and curse and abuse, “Chherey De Bolchhi” but the last time someone
actually hit someone was in 1979.

W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is underwater and
every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by
this!

X is for X’mas. It’s very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up and
all Bengalis agreeing that they must eat cake that day.

Y is for Yesshtaarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali.

Z is for Jebra, Joo, Jipper and Jylophone…and jyamiti

I curse myself for landing up outside Kolkata while still having super-bengali taste buds!